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At brakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked,
"If I baked these commericially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his newspaper, he replied, "About 10 years."


A businessman had a tiring day on the road.
He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon,
left his luggage in the checkroom and went immediately to eat.

After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage, and realized that he had forgotten his room number.

He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty,
"My name is W.A. Rolke. Could you please tell me what room I am in?"

"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."


Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains, who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!",
and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised, and replied,
"You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him. "

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

Something to SMILE for you all!!!(during the week)

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it,
and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.


"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.

"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.

The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've
learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?"


I had a "drug" problem when I was a young person and teenager.
I was "drug" to church on Sunday morning.
I was "drug" to church on Sunday night.
I was "drug" to church on Wednesday night.
I was "drug" to Sunday School every week.
I was "drug" to Vacation Bible School.
I was "drug" to the family altar to read the bible and pray.
I was also "drug" to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents.

Those "drugs" are still in my veins; and they affect my
behavior in every thing I do, say, and think.
They are stronger than cocaine,
crack or heroin and if our children had this kind of "drug" problem,
the world would certainly be a better place.


Lemonade stand

As a kid, I used to have a lemonade stand.
The sign said, "All you can drink for a dime".
So, some kid would come up,
plunk down his dime, drink a glass, and say,
"Refill it."

I'd say, "That'll be another dime."

"How come? Your sign says 'All you can drink for a dime'!"

"Well, you had a glass, didn't you?"


"That's all you can drink for a dime."


From a passenger ship, one can see a bearded man on a small island
who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."


Two snakes were under a flat rock keeping out of the sun.
As they squirmed around one suddenly asked, "Are we poisonous snakes?"

The other replied, "Well, I don't know, why?"

First snake, in an anxious tone,
(See below)

"I bit my lip!"


An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the bank had
been robbed three times by the same bandit.
"Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent.

"Yes," replies the teller. "He was better dressed each time."


One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the toilet to
return to bed when she heard a little noise.
It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed
to be right in the bathroom with her.

She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further
sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone,
she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again!

She froze, not breathing. Silence.
Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.

This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg!
That was too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed,
clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.

The culprit was right there in plain sight,
a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom

Pillsbury DoughBoy Dead

The Pillsbury Doughboy - dead at 71.
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman,
The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection
and complications from repeated pokes to the belly.
He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins,
Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Shake 'n Bake, Quaker Oats, the Hostess Twinkies,
Captain Crunch and many others.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend,
Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who
"never knew how much he was kneaded."

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later
life was filled with many turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie,
wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough.
They have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

He was just a little boy on the week's first day.
He was wandering home from Sunday School, and dawdling on the way.

He scuffed his shoes into the grass; he found a caterpillar.
He found a fluffy milkweed pod, and blew out all the "filler."

A bird's nest in a tree overhead, so wisely placed on high.
Was just another wonder that caught his eager eye.

A neighbor watched his zig zag course, and hailed him from the lawn;
Asked him where he'd been that day and what was going on.

"I've been to Bible School," he said and turned a piece of sod.
He picked up a wiggly worm replying, "I've learned a lot of God."

"M'm very fine way," the neighbor said, "for a boy to spend his time."
"If you'll tell me where God is, I'll give you a brand new dime."

Quick as a flash the answer came! Nor was his accents faint.

"I'll give you a dollar, Mister, if you can tell me where God ain't."


Bubba and Earl, two hillbillies from West Virginia,
were in a local bar enjoying a beer when they decided
to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra
long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the
neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he
liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"

Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush
working out?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba.
"I reckon I'm going back to paper."

A cement mixer collided with a prison van.
Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Dog plants

The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog"
in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet.
She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."

Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!"

Homework Paper Plane

Little Benny was looking depressed, so his fourth grade teacher, Miss
Feldman, asked, "What's the problem, Benny? I hope it's not homework

"Well, uh, yes it is, mam" replied Little Benny.
"I made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Benny, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," Miss Feldman said,
"but this once, I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."
"Oh, but it's worse than that..." replied Little Benny, looking even sadder.
"You see, the plane was hijacked!"


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